I hope you are all well, happy, and rested! I hope you’re bright-eyed and bushy-tailed! I’ve been traveling and I am tired. I started bouncing all over the place at 12:30 am. I thought I was falling asleep. I thought I was going to start my day at 5:30 am, but no. I tossed and turned. I tried to be still…
oooh, look at the shapes and shadows on the wall.
Has the ceiling always looked like that?
I was dancing on that thin line between, either I am staying up all night, or my head is going to hit the pillow like a sack of rocks. My eyes were too tired to read, but not so tired that they were determined to stay closed.
And so, the game began. One might say, “That sounds like insomnia,” but then there’s that other thing that happens. That thing that is not sleeping, not dreaming, that thing that turns me into a flopping fish. That thing that turns me into a humble migrator in my home searching for refuge and solace on something not too soft, but firm enough to lull me to sleep.
From the couch to the bed, from the bed to the couch. Head of the bed to the foot of the bed. There is no distinction between the two for me. Wherever I can catch sleep is where sleep catches me.
I dozed off, but my rest was short-lived, and that was the pattern for the night.
Dozing off. Random body movements.
Do I need to see a doctor?
Is everything ok?
I confirm that I am ok.
I doze off again.
No, I don’t have sleep apnea. Back to sleep, I went.
At some point, my eyes popped open, and I thought to myself, trauma hurts.
No shit! Of course, trauma hurts.
What I have learned in my studies, is that trauma will always take up residence in your physical body. It will always find a way to hide there. A visceral reminder of your past. A looming presence of something that you wished never happened. That scarred you deeply. That you hoped would stay buried in your subconscious mind. You may have even created a room for your trauma. You probably decorated it with nice things, bought the softest pillows and cushions, anything to keep it locked away and hidden, but your subconscious knew better. It knew that you were sent here to heal certain things, so while you were creating this room it was busy.
While you were hanging paintings on the wall, it was hiding your trauma in your body. In some cases, it is obvious where trauma lives in your body, but in some cases, it's not.
We can only bury our hurt for so long. We can only seek solace in our vices, but for so long, until that thing that wants to be healed manifests in our body. It could be a word, a visual stimulus, it could happen while receiving a massage, or a reiki treatment. One minute you are dozing off, relaxed, comfortable, and hovering between that state of sleep and wakefulness. The parasympathetic state. The rest and digest state. It is a healing state.
When you are in a parasympathetic state, you breathe calmly, and you are at peace. You may hear yourself snoring yet you are aware of everything going on around you. You may feel like you’re falling or even melting into whatever structure is supporting you. The parasympathetic state is where my trauma finds me. It is in this state that deep healing can take place. It is in this space where I am most willing to feel trauma leaving my body. It is in this space where my best ideas come to me.
I believe that feeling trauma leaving the body physically is important. It doesn’t always feel nice, but anything that has taken up residence in you physically needs to be felt when coming out. This is where healing takes place. This is where you gain an understanding of the trauma, and how it entered your body in the first place. This is where you resolve to continue to heal or ignore it and live with the dis-ease.
The choice to heal is always up to you. No matter how painful it is, I sincerely hope that you always chose to heal. It is what you came here to do and no one can do it better than you.